The Helping Hand

I'm toiletly retarded whenever I'm in a new place. Well, one time, I ran to the bathroom. The bubble guts had me against the ropes, it was terrible. I finally made it to the bathroom and dropped my pants in a quick, flash hurry. Placing my ass on the toilet, I got myself acquainted to my surroundings and the seat began to warm under me. The final plops occurred and I'm scurrying left and right looking for any evidence of tissue, a leaf, facecloth, a baby, anything to wipe my ass. There was nothing, NOTHING and I screamed in frustration and like God from above, a hand came under the stall door with good ole tissue. I felt ashamed taking it, but wiped my ass was and after I just sat there waiting for my helping hand to leave the restroom. He gave his hands a full handwashing. Longest five minutes of my life. Why did I share that?

No Diss To True Laker Fans/Haters

Good Kobe

There are no things more baffling than shallow Laker fans and shallow Laker haters. They both suffer from fundamental dumbness, if you will. No one ever wants to intrude on anyone's insecurities about being true a basketball fan, but Laker blood tends to run quite...shallow. It all centers around Kobe, his past, his present, his future. Any random person can not know one gotdamn fact about Kobe and still hate him. Isn't that sad?

I like to feel nuetral about Kobe, but essentially, I hate him, but I don't think he sucks. Truthfully, yes, he is fundamentally better than Michael Jordan, yes, he is the best closer in the league and yes, his mid range game is nasty. Maybe, I have the Kobe hating disease or purple and yellow just look too nasty. Kobe is the man, though, and that's all that matters.

Most people don't even know why they hate Lakers or if they do, it's never a legitimate reasons. Most reasoning made in the past should stay in the past.

for example:

They're weak as hell, relying on Kobe's bitch ass all the damn time

That was the old Lakers, the Lakers that had Smush Parker as a scoring option and fans in the stands as stand-in 6th men. Kwame Brown was a STARTER and I don't even remember half of that roster. It's not really Kobe's fault that his team was pathetic at the time.

Naughty Kobe

All teams have their go to guy, but I wouldn't call it reliance., especially when the chances of the Lakers winning lessens with the more shots that Kobe takes.

Kobe fans are sorta the same with overly-attributing characteristics falsely. The all-aroundness of Lamar Odom, the dominance of Bynum at center, the versatility of Ariza. It's there, but to an extent. Let's not only keep it real, but real realistic and that's that.

The Worst Service Ever Award goes to ... Big Boy

So I was in Lakeview a few hours ago. And apparently, I was stuck in their local hang out spot, which was the Big Boy Restaurant, yes, Big Boy. Just jammed pack full of random people. A couple people had wardrobes straight out of Dog the Bounty Hunter's closet. I felt very out of place. I was so out of place that even the black people looked at me like, "damn, where did these niggas come from?" I will admit that they had good lemonade, but that's besides the point.

Problem 1. We ended up with the waiter with the bifocals that make anyone look supremely blind. Coke bottles, if you will. And sadly she and this other waitress looked alike aside from the stereotypical "all white people look alike" tip. They were just really big and really sloppy and slow waitresses.

Problem 2. The silverware looked nasty as hell. One fork seriously looked like they dipped it in some cereal and let it dry. Aside from the taste, my lemonade looked suspect as hell. I tried to believe that the little floaties were lemon particles. If I die later, you know why.

Problem 3. The food took a week and two days to come out. We ordered french toast. Now, I'm not a culinary expert, but if I remember correctly, you slap them b*tches on a griddle and unless that griddle is on low heat, the bread begins to toast. With that said, it doesn't take an hour for bread to toast. Secondly, the waitress was retarded. i.e.

waitress: the bacon will be out in a second.
person 1: okay...
waitress: the baker hasn't quite finished them.

Bacon does not need to be baked, what in the hell. The sausage links came out before the bacon; doesn't bacon cook faster than sausage links due to density? Thirdly, the people to the left of us got their food faster than us despite the fact that they showed up fifteen minutes late than us.

Problem 4. Too many babies. They were more babies in that Big Boy than anywhere I've ever been. And they were squealing away. Lakeview must be on a sex schedule. There were babies EVERYWHERE.

When it was all said and done that waitress didn't get a tip.