The Helping Hand

I'm toiletly retarded whenever I'm in a new place. Well, one time, I ran to the bathroom. The bubble guts had me against the ropes, it was terrible. I finally made it to the bathroom and dropped my pants in a quick, flash hurry. Placing my ass on the toilet, I got myself acquainted to my surroundings and the seat began to warm under me. The final plops occurred and I'm scurrying left and right looking for any evidence of tissue, a leaf, facecloth, a baby, anything to wipe my ass. There was nothing, NOTHING and I screamed in frustration and like God from above, a hand came under the stall door with good ole tissue. I felt ashamed taking it, but wiped my ass was and after I just sat there waiting for my helping hand to leave the restroom. He gave his hands a full handwashing. Longest five minutes of my life. Why did I share that?

No Diss To True Laker Fans/Haters

Good Kobe

There are no things more baffling than shallow Laker fans and shallow Laker haters. They both suffer from fundamental dumbness, if you will. No one ever wants to intrude on anyone's insecurities about being true a basketball fan, but Laker blood tends to run quite...shallow. It all centers around Kobe, his past, his present, his future. Any random person can not know one gotdamn fact about Kobe and still hate him. Isn't that sad?

I like to feel nuetral about Kobe, but essentially, I hate him, but I don't think he sucks. Truthfully, yes, he is fundamentally better than Michael Jordan, yes, he is the best closer in the league and yes, his mid range game is nasty. Maybe, I have the Kobe hating disease or purple and yellow just look too nasty. Kobe is the man, though, and that's all that matters.

Most people don't even know why they hate Lakers or if they do, it's never a legitimate reasons. Most reasoning made in the past should stay in the past.

for example:

They're weak as hell, relying on Kobe's bitch ass all the damn time

That was the old Lakers, the Lakers that had Smush Parker as a scoring option and fans in the stands as stand-in 6th men. Kwame Brown was a STARTER and I don't even remember half of that roster. It's not really Kobe's fault that his team was pathetic at the time.

Naughty Kobe

All teams have their go to guy, but I wouldn't call it reliance., especially when the chances of the Lakers winning lessens with the more shots that Kobe takes.

Kobe fans are sorta the same with overly-attributing characteristics falsely. The all-aroundness of Lamar Odom, the dominance of Bynum at center, the versatility of Ariza. It's there, but to an extent. Let's not only keep it real, but real realistic and that's that.

The Worst Service Ever Award goes to ... Big Boy

So I was in Lakeview a few hours ago. And apparently, I was stuck in their local hang out spot, which was the Big Boy Restaurant, yes, Big Boy. Just jammed pack full of random people. A couple people had wardrobes straight out of Dog the Bounty Hunter's closet. I felt very out of place. I was so out of place that even the black people looked at me like, "damn, where did these niggas come from?" I will admit that they had good lemonade, but that's besides the point.

Problem 1. We ended up with the waiter with the bifocals that make anyone look supremely blind. Coke bottles, if you will. And sadly she and this other waitress looked alike aside from the stereotypical "all white people look alike" tip. They were just really big and really sloppy and slow waitresses.

Problem 2. The silverware looked nasty as hell. One fork seriously looked like they dipped it in some cereal and let it dry. Aside from the taste, my lemonade looked suspect as hell. I tried to believe that the little floaties were lemon particles. If I die later, you know why.

Problem 3. The food took a week and two days to come out. We ordered french toast. Now, I'm not a culinary expert, but if I remember correctly, you slap them b*tches on a griddle and unless that griddle is on low heat, the bread begins to toast. With that said, it doesn't take an hour for bread to toast. Secondly, the waitress was retarded. i.e.

waitress: the bacon will be out in a second.
person 1: okay...
waitress: the baker hasn't quite finished them.

Bacon does not need to be baked, what in the hell. The sausage links came out before the bacon; doesn't bacon cook faster than sausage links due to density? Thirdly, the people to the left of us got their food faster than us despite the fact that they showed up fifteen minutes late than us.

Problem 4. Too many babies. They were more babies in that Big Boy than anywhere I've ever been. And they were squealing away. Lakeview must be on a sex schedule. There were babies EVERYWHERE.

When it was all said and done that waitress didn't get a tip.

Fort Wayne, Indiana?

Okay, so I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana over the weekend. It was a disappointing trip. Disregarding the soccer, everything was just sub par. The hotel rooms were soooo small. No double bedroom rooms could have extra beds because that would have been a fire hazard. [They did have this bad ass chick who worked there.] The televisions were extra small, I had to sit at the edge of the bed just to watch the Bulls-Celtics game. It took them five years to bring us extra towels. The toilets looked like school bathroom toilets. I met some chick on the elevator who had more testosterone than Mr. T. They ran out of orange juice at breakfast. The old ass waitress said she had a facebook. They had exactly one computer in the lobby. The wireless connection was SOOO slow, I couldn't even stream games. AND THE CLOCK AND THE LIGHT ON THE NIGHTSTAND WEREN'T EVEN PLUGGED IN. Needless to say, it was all bad.

Anyways, so we go to the mall. And the mall is usually good news, right? Not always. We go to Glenbrook Square Mall and it was interesting. It's the equivalent of putting the stores of Oakland Mall inside Northland Mall and throwing in white kids from Twelve Oaks mall. Pure awkwardness.

So we walk around, I see some shit in Macy's, buy some shit from H&M and PacSun and get an Elephant Ear. I'm sitting there and apparently I'm out of the loop, but these dudes are matching with gym shorts. BASKETBALL SHORTS, fresh from hooping.

this guy, I tried not to laugh

I was mad because I took my time to bring jeans and shirts that were actually clean and these dudes are just walking around in the playground's finest. And then the Jesus sandals that no one wears unless they are gonna be involved with athletics before or after the wearing of said sandals. And then the extra young hoody. The dudes in front of him were in an AAU tournament, but him he actually lived there. He chose to wear that..
Further issues:

Remember those old FUBU jerseys that everybody use to wear. Get it? Exactly.

Orange Crocs .. [insert sad face here]

[insert caption here]

she had ashy kneecaps, very ashy

Apparently, some form of the infamous Jheri Curl comes in the wig variety.

Don't feel bad Metro people

antiquated and random arcade games




To conclude it all we went to Olive Garden and the waitress we had said she came from a small town called Hicksville, Indiana .. we asked if they sold pointy hats ..

Women and Chick Flics

the most relevant proofs ever

You know what makes women equal problems: chick flic moments, yes, chick flic moments. I hate, hate, HATE chick flic moments. You know guy meets girl, guy swoons girl, guy fucks up, girl hates guy, guy kisses ass, girl kisses guy. Those cliche moments in life. Do those even happen in real life anymore?

moments in history that have screwed women's minds:

Jerry Maguire (1996)

Shut up, just shut up. You had me at "hello."

No! No! No! That ish does not happen!

Pretty Woman (1990)

"I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna let me go."

You cannot turn a ho into a housewife, point blank period.

Something's Gotta Give (2003)

Erica, you are a woman to love.

Mothers and daughters cannot pass around men and exchange boyfriends and find love. That does not happen, no.

Brown Sugar (2002)

Simplicity provides a fine line between elegance and plainness.

Dude was in the friend zone and then got Lebron James-esque hops and just jumped ship. That never happens. Females don't date their best friends successfully. Don't lie to me Sanaa Lathan.

What Women Want (2000)

If you know what women want, you can rule!

He did yoga, shaved, had a good relationship with his teenage daughter AND knew the fine points of women. Mel Gibson screwed with the head of every woman in this movie. Women don't get your hopes up.



Honorable Mention: Every Tyler Perry Movie

• Diary of a Mad Black Woman
• Madea's Family Reunion
• Daddy's Little Girls
• Why Did I Get Married?
• The Family That Preys
• Madea Goes To Jail

Each and every one of his movies are the same and he is on track to be a billionaire. No, women do not give second chances. Rich women don't find love with a broke man. And Black women don't find love in the middle of the mountains in the snow. Good job, Tyler Perry

Jimmy Fallon on Jay Leno

I've been wanting to post this since yesterday. This was on the Jay Leno Show on Wednesday April 29

I'm still trying to figure out why his talk show isn't that funny. Is it bad material or is it that his audience doesn't respond well to him?

to the random days off

I love random days off. Just when you reach the brink of sanity, here comes those random days. Thank God for random days.

Can He Get a Flagrant?

It was just a bad day for Brad Miller

over

and over

again

all he needed was a flagrant ..

I Am The Sober Buddy

this sits on my bathroom counter

I was going through my old GQ's while on the shitter. In the March 2008 issue there's a little section about celebrities and their sober buddies. The prerequisites being:


as stated in the magazine

1. Hollywood know-how. A sober buddy must wake up each morning, brew the coffee, puree the juice, and read Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, and Nikki Finke. Just because the boss is off the blow doesn't mean he doesn't want to know who ankled the Mouse House.
   
2. Google Earth. A must-have to find AA meetings, Pinkberry, and occasionally, client.
3. Jumbo sunglasses. Paparazzi glare, bro. It hurts.
4. The Essential Guide to Prescription Drugs 2008. For the daily medicine-cabinet inspection. Hey, that's not Excedrin!
5. Pocket full of Gummi Bears. Excellent distraction from heroin dealer working bathroom at the Grammys.
6. Photo of Tara Reid. To remind client.

I am the sober buddy and trying to figure out how I got to this position. I can't even come to a conclusion, but sober buddies unite.

shoutout to the Sober Buddies

Champions League Semifinal part 1

The first semifinal is wrapping up. Barcelona is outplaying Chelsea and Chelsea is packing the back, it's sad really. Aliaksandr Hleb just rushed an opportunity in the box, it's my first time seeing him play since his Arsenal days.

This is my first time truly saying that I hate the way Chelsea is playing. I usually expect Drogba to be isolated, but even the wings were isolated from much action. I really expected Barcelona to score a couple of goals, but somehow Drogba had the best chance of the game thanks to Rafa Marquez. And somehow he missed the second opportunity.

Besides Drogba flops like a retarded kid. Iniesta and Thierry Henry were tearing it up on the left side. Iniesta always cuts to the outside though, it gets too predictable. He could probably get more shots off otherwise. Henry was just slick. Outside of him getting besides himself in the box one time, he kept the defenders jumping. I don't want to admit to Chelsea playing good defense, but I forgot Messi was playing. They looked out of sync at times like when Essien headed a long ball out of bounds for a corner and the several times Bosingwa coughed the ball up. He looked utterly confused. Petr Cech played like ass too. But he didn't concede a goal so what is there to complain about in actuality.

Tomorrow, being an Arsenal fan, I want to predict an Arsenal win, but then I am a realist. All hope is in th hands of Fabregas, Adebayor, Walcott and Nasri. Are those safe hands? I really wish they could play Arshavin. I hope they capatilize on the amount of non-defense that Christiano Ronaldo doesn't play on the left side which is obviously Walcott's side. And with Patrice Evra on him, he should score at least one goal.